Back to school

Tomorrow this sweet little baby goes to grade 3. When he was this small, I looked ahead to grade 3 and had high hopes for how things would be. It seemed like a lifetime away but now here we are and things are much different than I imagined. Oh how I wish I could hold that cute chubby baby. He cried a lot back then and we thought he was colicky but now I look back and realize he was just being Landon. I miss the days when calming him was as easy as rocking him back and forth near the loud hood fan in the kitchen. I thought he was difficult then but I had no idea how difficult things would actually become. 

A lot of the moms that I know feel a sense of sadness when summer comes to an end and it's time for their children to head back to school. I don't share those feelings. Summer break is hard on us. I count down the days to back to school and tonight it feels like Christmas Eve. I've even daydreamed of some sort of summer break advent calendar that has a glass of wine in it each night. I'm pretty sure they would sell like hot cakes. 

This summer has been great in a lot of ways, as we've had success with some camping and had a few small trips with  Landon that went well. However, I can safely say that things have never been as hard as they are now. It seems that he has regressed in some areas and his patience is very small. His temper is quick and explosive. I can be kissing his unbelievably soft cheeks one minute and then 10 minutes later be hit so hard across the face that I think he's broken my jaw. He's always had an aggressive streak in him but it's been so intense lately that we are pretty sure it's a side effect of his medication. We (us and a mental health Dr from children's hospital) are trying to figure that all out but it takes time. Thankfully he's not violent towards anyone else but me. It's exhausting but I know that Landon doesn't mean to hurt me, he just can't control himself. He's so sad when it's over and my heart breaks for him and the inner turmoil he must feel. I struggle with sharing how hard he is on me. I hate the idea of people thinking badly of him. I just love him so much.

I'm thankful that he still has the best sense of humor and can bring me so much joy in one minute to make up for all the other crap in the day. I am confident that it won't be like this forever and I'm still completely trusting that God has big plans for Landon's life. Right now though, I am over the moon that tomorrow he goes to school. So if someone could create that back to school wine calendar before next summer, that'd be great. 

Better late than never

A conversation between a friend and I in the beginning of the year:

J: What's with the lack of blog posts?

Me: I don't know. I just realized the other day that I didn't blog once in all of 2015.

J: That's pathetic.

Me: haha you're so right. 

I haven't forgotten that conversation but here we are half way through 2016 and I'm finally getting around to it. So much has happened/changed since I wrote last and I think as time passed I became overwhelmed at the thought of trying to sum it all up. I'm going to give it a go though. 

Side note: I just took an hour long break as Landon was not doing well during his autism therapy.  I'm currently laying beside him in his bed comforting him as he usually has a big cry after an epic meltdown. I'm reminded as to the real reason why I don't blog often. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

Back to it.

The biggest change since I wrote last was probably our move from a townhouse into a bigger home. Still in the same town and only a couple minutes away from our old place but so happy with our move. We live on the street that we've always wanted to live on and really love the neighborhood. Our house has a great layout for Landon and I'm so grateful there is no wall from the second floor that he can jump off of! The best part is we don't share a wall with our neighbors so I don't feel so bad when it's loud in here. Which is all the time.

Another big change is that I started to work, out of the house, again. As we were house hunting we decided it would be helpful if I had an income but with Landon's needs and unpredictability I wondered how I would find a job that would understand if I was late because I couldn't get him to put his shoes on or because he just had to listen to the air conditioner for 5 more minutes. I also knew I wanted to be the one to drop the kids off and pick them up from school so who on earth was going to hire someone who could only work during school hours and could quite possibly be late on a regular basis?? Well my church did. I work a few days a week at the church, while the kids are at school, doing cleaning and other odd jobs and it is a perfect fit for my life right now. So grateful for it. 

Another side note: Landon just fell asleep beside me. It's 5pm and the worst time for a nap. Do I wake an angry and tired boy or pay for it later when he's up until midnight? I'm going with paying for it later. It's so quiet right now and there's always melatonin. ;)

Landon really excelled in school this year. He blossomed socially and intellectually. He made friends and blew us all away with his spelling as well as starting to read Braille and type it out. He can type out full sentences on the brailler! I wasn't sure if he would ever learn Braille and here he is typing out a letter at school to mail home. So cool. 

On the flip side we've had some struggles with his behavior and are working with a dr from Children's hospital to see if we can find something that will help with that. I won't get into it now but I will say that I sure hope the saying "It gets worse before it gets better" is true. It's definitely worse right now.

The main reason I finally decided to write again is to let you all know that because I'm not very good at finding the time to blog I am going to start a BlindAutism Instagram feed. I'm always taking pictures of him and the interesting things that he is up to. I figure that is the easiest way for me to let people see into his world. I started this blog to help people understand autism a little bit more and I'd still like to do that. I'll try and blog once in a while but let's be realistic, I probably won't write again for a while. Feel free to follow along on Instagram as I capture all the fun, interesting, destructive, and amazing things that he does. 

Christmas Time

We are one week away from Christmas and I'm pretty sure we just had thanksgiving when I wrote last. I must get better at doing this more frequently! (I think I've said that before)

December is my favorite. I really enjoy everything that is involved with preparing for Christmas. Even though it is by far the most hectic time of the year. I try hard to have a healthy balance of making things fun for Adrianah while teaching her the importance of being generous and stepping out of our comfort zone to give of our time, talents and gifts to bless others. All the while, celebrating and being in awe of the hope and light that came to such a dark earth when Jesus came. The best gift of all.

Christmas for Landon is a completely different experience. It's hard not to feel sad for him when we think of all that he doesn't get to experience. Christmas lights are such a special thing to see and every year we go for a drive to find the best houses in town. I'll often turn around and glance at him and he's just sitting there enjoying the Christmas music and has no idea what we are enjoying. There are so many things that I'm aware that he doesn't get to see but for some reason it's more sad at Christmas time. His only experience of our Christmas tree is that it feels kind of prickly and it makes jingly noises when he runs into it. I wish he could see how beautiful it is when it's all lit up. He has a few ornaments that play a song or have bells on them and those are special to him. He still enjoys things about Christmas it's just so much different than the things we all get to enjoy. Thankfully he loves Christmas music and that is something that we can enjoy together. Even if he wants to hear the same song over and over again.

 I'm not totally sure what he understands about Christmas because I'm not able to have a conversation with him about it. I think he's starting to realize that certain things go together, like when the big chair gets put away and the tree gets set up we listen to this kind of music. He remembers that we did this last year and will request songs or things that we did around this time last year. (ie, the big box in the video at the bottom) It's pretty amazing what he can remember. It's interesting though because he never asks or says anything about presents. Most children make lists of things they want for Christmas and are counting down to the moment they finally get to open their gifts. Landon doesn't even know that he can ask for things and we could totally get away with not buying him anything at all. He wouldn't even know what he is missing. We would never do that though. We brainstorm ideas of what he might like. He's not into any of the toys that other 6 year old boys would like. He would love a leaf blower or wood router or some kind of crazy loud machine. So for Christmas this year he's getting an air purifier for his room because he'll love the humming noise from this little machine. When picking out the air purifier we looked up reviews of each one and picked the one that got the worst reviews because it was too noisy! He'll love it! His stocking is going to be full of electric toothbrushes and ripple chips. No action figures or chocolate for this kid.

We also don't need to hide his gifts, even though it may somehow make us feel better if we did. Every time we walk into the garage and see the things we bought him just sitting out in the open it stings a little as it's a small reminder that he can't see. You'd think after 6 years it wouldn't be a surprise anymore, but once in a while we still get hit with the shocking truth that our boy is blind and it feels like a punch to the gut. Not sure that will ever go away. We found out that he was blind on Dec 8th when he was only 11 weeks old. Adrianah was 1 1/2 years old and watching her eyes fill with wonder when she saw lights, trees and presents and knowing that Landon wouldn't experience Christmas that way made it bitter sweet that year. As Landon gets older though he brings so many new amazing aspects to Christmas and it reminds me to turn the lights off and focus on the true meaning. To listen to the carols about Jesus without any distractions. My boy has no idea how much he is teaching me. So grateful for him.

Anyway here is a little video from last year that I hope puts a smile on your face.

Merry Christmas from our goofy family to yours!

Big Changes

Another month and a half has gone by since I wrote last. A lot has happened in that time and there has been some big changes. Both of the kids are back in school, praise God!  I was so relieved when I found out that the kids could go back to school as it was a very long and hard summer for Landon. He really relies on a routine and I was already worried about how summer would go before the strike came into play. Needless to say the extra month of summer break was hard on everyone in this household. Thankfully his autism program continued through the summer so at least he had 2 hours of that everyday, but I knew that that was also coming to an end. The autism program is an early intervention program so each child graduates from the program when they turn 6. As Landon's 6th birthday was quickly approaching and there was no end in sight to the teachers strike, I was concerned he would soon be without anything to do during the day. Thankfully the strike ended and Landon's first full day of school was on his 6th birthday.

The day after his birthday we had a meeting with the behaviour consultant at his program to discuss his time there coming to an end. Landon had been going there since he was 3 1/2 and I was starting to worry about how this next chapter would go, as his autism funding would drastically drop and he wouldn't be getting even close to the same amount of therapy as he had been getting for the last 2 1/2 years. So this meeting was to help give us an idea of what to do next. I knew I had a lot of work to do but found out that I have more to think about than I even thought.

The behaviour consultant confirmed some concerns of mine about Landon. I always thought that Landon was more difficult than other children on the spectrum and often wondered if there was another issue that needed to be addressed. At the meeting we discussed that they believe he may have something else going on and that we should have a mental health assessment done on him. She believes that he may have an Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. At least that's what I think she called it, it's all kind of a blur to be honest. OCPD is not the same as OCD. I don't know too much about it yet but as she was talking to us about it, it all made sense. Landon often obsesses over a specific task or thing in our house and there is nothing we can do to get him to stop doing it. For example, this summer he really wanted to climb on the stove, open the microwave, knock on the inside and then shut the door all while saying the same couple phrases. Over and over and over again. It is not something we wanted him to do as he could easily burn himself if I was using the stove plus he was breaking the stove door as he was standing on it and we knew it was just a matter of time before he pulled the microwave door right off. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say he went over to the microwave close to 100 times a day. He was obsessed. That is just one example of the many things he obsesses over. He's not able to move on to a new task unless we say the exact phrase in the exact tone that he is expecting. If we force him to move on, he breaks down. He can't handle it and doesn't know how to regulate his emotions.

So anyway the gist is we have to get him assessed...again. As I was sitting there listening to her tell us about this and use phrases like "Landon's the kind of child that should be getting 40 hours of therapy a week", I tried my best to look composed as in my head all I could think was that I can't believe we are having another discussion about a third diagnosis. We have had so many meetings with doctors and professionals since landon was a newborn and all of it kind of blurs together. Each meeting they give you the bad news and then pile on a bunch of information. It's hard to walk out of meeting remembering much of what they said. I have three vivid memories of the 'big' meetings where we found out he was blind, that he was autistic and now that he may have a mental disorder.
"I'm not convinced that he can see", is how the opthamologist at the children's hospital put it.
At Sunny Hill I remember feeling overwhelmed when the assessing dr said, "You're going to have to find a therapy team that is experienced in autism therapy as well as visual impairment."
And this last meeting, "I'm going to refer you for a mental health assessment".

I felt overwhelmed and heartbroken for my son as my deep down fear, that he might be too much for me to handle when he's a full grown boy, is now a legitimate fear. He is so strong and can be quite violent now and he's only 6. What am I going to do when he's 16 and towering over me? Will he be dangerous at school and not be allowed to go? Will I have to make the painful decision of putting him in a home after he hurts me or his sister badly? All of these questions flood through my mind. It's hard not to go there. To let your mind think of the worst case scenario. I trust God though and know that whatever it is, He will help us through it. He's already gotten us this far! So now what I need to focus on is getting him assessed and finding a behaviour consultant that is specialized in mental health and visual impairment, and that is also willing to travel to our small town. That's a tall order.

A couple of days after the meeting, I was in a dollar store with Jason while the kids were at school. It was the day before Landon's birthday party and I walked past the party supplies and realized I had nothing for the party. If you know me well, you know I love to plan a party and I love to hand make decorations and I usually go over board. I just really enjoy it! This year though I was completely consumed in what we had just recently found out at the meeting and had forgotten to do things for his party. The last few years we have rented out a gym at the town rec center because Landon loves to play in a big gym. It's usually just family that comes: few cousins and mostly adults, because Landon has no friends. This year though, most of our family wasn't coming to his party so there was only 4 other people coming. I got hit so hard with the reality of everything as I stood there staring at the party supplies. I think I stood there paralyzed for 5 minutes before I started to pick stuff out for him. I picked out things for the 3 goody bags I would need. All girl things for his sister and two cousins which was another reminder that my son had no friends. I'm sure there are some boys I could have invited but Landon wouldn't have played with them anyway. I got everything I needed and when I got into the car with Jason I burst into tears. He looked at me confused because what on earth could have just happened in there? My heart broke in the party section of that dollar store. My sweet, blind, autistic, obsessive compulsive son has no friends and barely anyone is coming to his birthday party. My poor boy. The funny thing is Landon didn't care. I don't think he understands what a birthday is but he likes playing in that gym and he likes hearing people sing happy birthday. He enjoyed his birthday party and it was a nice surprise when his EA from school showed up with a perfect gift for him. I wish I could have enjoyed it more. That I could have just seen the joy on his face and not seen what was missing. It's hard not to want normal things for him though. A party that is full of kids, where I can watch him run around shooting nerf guns with his friends. That's just not the way it is for him. So for now I'll just watch him giggle when his daddy pulls him on a mat around the gym, and I'll take pictures while he's clapping at the happy birthday song and I'll smile while he lays on the floor with a singing birthday card over his face.

So anyway, that's where we're at right now. I would say Landon is doing really well with all of the big changes in the last month. He's accepted the new routine of a full day at school and not going to the program anymore. He is slowly adjusting to his new classroom and teachers. Spending a little more time in his new class each day. He is starting to learn Braille and from what I've heard he is doing really well with it. I am super proud of him and even though I may feel sad with the circumstances of his life, he brings me so much joy with one smile or infectious belly laugh.
I still believe he's a gift and I know God is going to use him to do big things. He already is.

Low tide.

Wow, long time no posty! I haven't written since the kids were in school, which feels like forever ago! You'd think after such a long summer break that I would have many fun things to write about but all I feel like writing about is how difficult this summer has been. I'll try to put a positive spin on this somehow. 

Jason went back to work yesterday after 2 weeks off at home. I'm pretty sure he was looking forward to going back though. It was so nice having his help the last couple of weeks! I pretty much got to sleep in almost every morning! I'm so glad I married a morning guy! 

Anyway....Landon's autism program goes through out the summer so we planned to do things locally so he wouldn't miss out on much therapy. If you're a friend of mine on Facebook or Instagram you would probably think we have a lot of fun as a family in the summer. The photos that I post give the illusion that we are having a great time, and we do, sometimes, but it's more like 25% fun and 75% stress/disappointment/frustration. Once in a while, like 1 in 10, we have an awesome time and so that's why we continue to try and do things that "normal" families do. Last week, after an epic fail at the water slides, I said to Jason "We need to stop trying to be normal! It's not working for us!". He completely agreed with me. That was just us feeling completely defeated though and just a few days later we were blessed by a nice time in White Rock. 

It was the last day of Jason's holidays and we were on the fence about going to White Rock. Should we drive all the way there for a potentially terrible time? The amount of public melt downs and stares from strangers that we've dealt with over the last couple of weeks made us want to stay home. We decided to make our decision based on the tide. If it was going to be low tide when we wanted to be there, than we would give it a go. We checked out the tide chart and it was predicted to be at its lowest exactly when we wanted to get there so we went for it. The nice thing about going at low tide is that there is so much space on the sand that we can set up far away from other people and not worry about their reactions to Landon's strange behaviour. (You'd think by now it wouldn't bother us what people think of him but there's only so many times water can roll off a ducks back before the duck is surrounded by said water.) Landon knew right away that this wasn't the same beach that he was expecting so as soon as we got there we set up Landon's chair and gave him some ripple chips (his favorite) to help him feel safe and relaxed in this new place. He sat under a towel chomping away for about 30 minutes before he decided to check out his surroundings. He took one step off the chair and quickly sat back down. Which I didn't mind as it gave Jason and I a chance to eat our fish and chips at the same time! 

We thought he would love splashing around in the shallow water but he did not love the feeling of the mushy sand. He got pretty upset and wanted to be up in our arms and not on the gross feeling ground. Jason and I looked at each other knowing that this could be the end of our time there if we didn't get this figured out fast. I set him down on the hard sand away from the water and started to make splashing noises with his bucket. We over enthusiastically laughed and cheered at the sound of the splashing, trying to encourage him to enjoy the water despite the mushiness. He slowly made his way into the "puddle" and enjoyed it for a little while. He then requested his chair and sat/played on it for the rest of our time there.

Adrianah had a blast collecting shells and protecting her new crab friend, Crabby, from the seagulls. Jason had a nap on the blanket (his favorite activity) and I enjoyed walking through the tide pools looking for sea life. We had a really nice time on the beach. 

phone pic

                            

What made this day particularly great was the end of it. Normally we leave somewhere because Landon is having a melt down and we want to flee the scene so we are very happy when we get to leave on a high note. We packed up our stuff as the tide was coming in and we went for ice cream. We don't take him into restaurants because, well it just almost always goes terribly wrong. One of us inhales their food while the other sits in the car with Landon and then we switch. We're drive thru people now. Anyway we took our chances and took him into the ice cream parlour/bakery. I was amazed as Landon was happily standing in line with us. I'm watching him closely, wondering what he's going to do next, and after he takes a sniff of the place, he asks for a cookie! Sure thing buddy, you're definitely getting a cookie! Jason and I are both smiling as we make our way through the line up and order our cones without one of us having to take him outside. Jason is feeling brave at this point and suggests we go take a seat by the window. I shoot down the idea right away because I was afraid of messing with a good thing but then Jason spotted it....there, by the window, with a ray of light shining down from the heavens, was a stand up air conditioner right beside 4 comfy chairs. We both laugh and take Landy over there. Now, if you know Landon, you know that he LOVES a good air conditioner. He wants ours on all year long and he can hear one a mile away. We sat him down beside it and he immediately forgets about his cookie and happily says "I hear the air cishoner!". Jason and I continued to smile as we enjoyed our ice cream as a family. It was the perfect end to our day and his holidays. 

phone pic

phone pic

And that's why we will continue to step out of our comfort zone and pursue normalcy as a family, because the little successes feel like gold medals to us. 

Going away

Last weekend Jason and I went away to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. It was an incredible four days away and we felt blessed beyond words. 

I was a wreck for the few days before going though because I was so worried about leaving Landon. I wasn't worried about Adrianah because she knew exactly why we were going and she understood that we would be back in a few days. The communication barrier between us and Landon is definitely getting smaller but it is still very difficult to explain situations to him. I was worried sick (literally, I felt like barfing) at the thought of him not knowing why I wasn't coming home. People kept asking me if I was excited to go away and I couldn't say yes. I was more concerned about him than I was excited for the break and time with my husband. For years Jason and I talked about going to Jamaica or somewhere tropical for our tenth, but when it came down to it-I didn't want to leave for longer than 3 nights. We've only ever been away from the kids for two nights together. Jason has gone away many times on work trips so the kids are used to him being away sometimes, but I rarely go away overnight. I wasn't worried that the kids wouldn't be taken care of while I was away, we were leaving them with family that love them very much and that our kids love in return. I knew they would be in good hands but I couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't want to leave. The day before we left I was thinking about how other parents can leave their kids for a week every year and I was freaking out over a measly 4 days! What was my problem?! Then I figured it out. I was placing my own abandonment issues onto Landon and the thought of him feeling like I was abandoning him made me bawl my eyes out. So I prayed about it, because that's all I could do. Oh and I wrote out an excessively long list for the babysitters.

 We had asked our family (thank you, thank you family!) to each take a day/night at our place to make it easier on Landy. I wanted them to all be on the same page when communicating to him when we would be back. He does well with the 'First-Then' strategy so I knew he would best understand if everyone told him- "First Grandma Holly on Thursday, then Auntie Anne and Uncle Canaan on Friday, then Grandma Patsy on Saturday, then Mommy and Daddy come home on Sunday". He's good at remembering what comes next so he was expecting the babysitter shift change each day.  

When it came time for us to leave my mom was doing her best to ease my mind and Jason was being patient with me as I nervously ran around the house making sure everything was in order. I hugged and kissed Landy goodbye (Adrianah was at school) and we drove away. I cried for about 10 minutes but Jason prayed I would have peace and from that moment on I was able to relax and trust that they would be fine. 

I was mostly concerned about the mornings and was hoping that Landon wouldn't wake up too early and that he wouldn't get upset when it wasn't Mommy or Daddy's voice that would say good morning. On our first morning Jason and I slept in until 10:15 which hasn't been done in years! My mom called shortly after we woke up to tell us about the amazing morning they were having. Landon got up at 7:30! Even Adrianah knew how much of a miracle that was because when Landon happily greeted the two of them she said to my mom "That must have been God!". Hearing that really put my mind at ease and Jason and I had an amazing time together. 

We explored Botanical Beach and were amazed at the sea life that were in the potholes. We enjoyed an awesome lunch at a middle of nowhere restaurant and just had fun doing things we never do. In the evening we got all dressed up, met up with a local photographer and did an unofficial vow renewal on the beach. It was sunny all day but the clouds rolled in and we had stormy weather during our entire photo shoot. At first I was disappointed that we wouldn't have the sunset but the stormy scene was absolutely perfect for us. We stood there in the (cold) wind with crashing waves and grey skies and shared our hearts with one another. It was so appropriate for us because if I were to sum up the last decade in weather terms, I would say it was thunder showers with a few sunny breaks. We were both nervous about having our pictures taken (because we are awkward) and to have someone there while we read our letters to each other but it was the highlight of our weekend. These 10 years have not been easy and there were times we weren't sure we would make it. I feel blessed that we are still able to look at each other in the middle of a storm and feel more love now than ever before. We know it's not going to be blue skies from here on out but with God's help I look forward to celebrating in another 10 years. Maybe by then I'll be able to go away for 5 nights. 

Oceans- Hillsong United

Don't wake me up before you go go

I am not a morning person. At all. I have always struggled with getting out of bed in the morning, unlike my husband who gets up at 4:15 to drive for over an hour to work. He puts me to shame. He's a superhero and his superpower is getting up early. If I wake up when his alarm goes off I usually thank Jesus that it's not for me.

Landon is trying to turn me into a morning person.

It's a good thing he's cute

It is very common for blind children to not sleep through the night. It is hard for their body to know that it is night time without the visual cue. It isn't unusual for a blind person to take Melatonin to create a sleep schedule. Melatonin isn't ideal though as it doesn't last through the entire night so staying asleep until morning is an issue because if they wake up in the night and don't see that it is dark out they can think it's time to get up. I imagine that a visually impaired child that does not have autism could be told that it's still night time and could probably fall back asleep. Not the case with Landon. You see it is also very common for children with autism to have trouble sleeping at night. With their never ending supply of energy it can be a struggle, to say the least. So as you can probably imagine, Landon's night time routine is not the greatest.

If Landon is asleep by 9 we think of it as a success. There have been numerous times that we have gone to bed listening to him jumping around in his room. I can usually stay awake until I know for sure that he is asleep but there have been times I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and so I fall asleep praying that he doesn't escape and leave the house (we have locks up high on our doors now so that's not a real concern anymore).

Once he is asleep we never know when he will wake up. Every night is different. It is not uncommon for us to hear him singing or playing with a toy at 2am. I don't mind those nights because he almost always falls back asleep. Every night/early morning when I hear him open his door I cringe and look at the clock. Normally, his wake up time is somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30. I count myself as lucky if the clock says 6:30 instead of 5:30. Every night I wishfully set my alarm for 7am in hopes that he won't wake me up before then. It does happen on occasion and I love those days. Unfortunately though, as often as he sleeps until 7am, he will throw in a 4:30 wake up. Not my favorite.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "What's the big deal? My kids do that too".  Well here's where I think it differs.

 When I hear him come out of his room and I go to see him, I will approach him with an extra soft voice to test out his mood because I never know if he will be happy to hear my voice or scream at the sound of it. I'm always so relieved when he says "hi mommy". Some days he wants me and some days he wants daddy. Some days he's happy to go back to his room with some milk and a toy and other days he wants to go jump on the trampoline before the sun comes up. Hearing me say "Sorry, Buddy, it's too early" is not his favorite thing. He just does not understand why I won't fill water balloons for him or why he can't play on the piano at 5am. I try and keep him quiet and am sure everyone in this tiny sleeping town can hear him screaming at me. I've learnt that the less I say, the better. Sometimes I'll just sit beside him on his bedroom floor silently waiting until I think he is ready for me to speak. I'll quietly offer him something and he'll either accept it or start screaming and hitting me again. Most of the time I don't take it personally and continue to try and help him but once in a while I will just sit there on his floor and cry. Like I said before, I'm not at my best in the morning. 

Landon's sleeping has been especially out of whack lately. We're not quite sure what is going on with him right now but it seems to also be affecting his day time. He's napping on the couch beside me right now as I write this. I know that this nap will only make bedtime more difficult tonight but I'm just letting him sleep this one out. He was having a rough day so far so he must need it. Plus he's just too cute when he's sleeping. 

Cute, right?

Anyway, this is an area that I wanted to share because it's another part of this autism package that people don't see. It's why I have big bags under my eyes and it's why I yawn like crazy when I'm out past 9. It's the reason I pray, a lot, in the wee hours of the morning and it's the reason I listen to songs like the one below. So if I yawn in your face during a conversation, please don't be offended, I just need a nap. 

Cast My Cares- Tim Timmons