Bomb Squad

Before we had kids, I imagined the things that we would be able to do as a family. I dreamt about the fun activities that any kid would love to do. I had no idea that as a family we would miss out on so many family events or that going to a friends birthday party would be more stress than fun. Quite often we just decide that it won't work for us and we decide to stay home. Other times we decide to give it a go and hope for the best. Once in a while we feel so blessed because Landon had a great day and we were able to stay for the whole thing. We leave there feeling happy and can't stop talking on the way home how awesome that was! Most of the time though, we leave early feeling very discouraged and defeated. Yesterday was one of those days.

We were excited about the carnival that our church was putting on because we had a great time at the last one and this one was going to be bigger and better! Landon loves a bouncy castle and is usually happy to stand near the bouncy castle and listen to the fan that blows it up. At the last carnival he stayed in one spot, spinning and jumping to the glorious sound of the high powered fan (he loves any kind of machine that makes a steady sound). We were stoked when we walked into the carnival yesterday and saw how many bouncy castles/blow up activities that were set up. Jason and Landon quickly found a good fan to spin by (he can spin for hours and not get dizzy) and I was able to take Adrianah into see some circus acts. After the show we came back out and I was happy to see that Landon was still doing well and was enjoying a snack. It's funny that I can get so much joy out of seeing him happily eat his fishy crackers at a crowded event. It had been an hour and we were still there! Things were going well!

Iphone pic from the carnival

Unfortunately, his mood can change within seconds. I was sitting with him now as Jason had somewhere to be, and I could see he was starting to become a little more testy.  I know that we are not far away from a melt down so I'm trying to offer him things to distract him from whatever it is that is setting him off. I'm trying to be calm but I know that if I don't get a handle on it right now it will turn into a big fight. As he's starting to get louder I can feel more eyes looking our way. I held my phone to his ear so that he could focus on a song and I thought he was starting to calm down as he continued to eat his apple sauce. I looked away for a second and felt his applesauce land on my foot and it splattered on his pants and the floor. Ok, no big deal I just need to clean it up. I'm still trying to look calm as he's getting louder and trying to lick the apple sauce off of the bottom of his shoe. Clearly, I think that's gross so I try to stop him. Bad idea. Fine, he can lick the sauce off of his dirty shoe while I clean the floor. His sister is trying to help by pulling his foot away from his mouth but he is not happy about it. I can tell at this point that there is no going back. He is done and we need to leave. I clean the floor, pack up his stuff and head to the door. Meanwhile poor Adrianah is in tears because she doesn't want to leave. I always feel so bad for her because she has to miss out on the fun because of her brothers behaviour. She's usually very understanding. She's amazing like that, but that's a post for another time.

Reading that little story might not put into perspective of what it feels like in the moment. Before I try and explain I want to make clear that I'm not trying to make my son look bad and I'm not looking for sympathy. I could go on and on about his amazing side. My boy is a sweetheart and it's the autism that makes him act this way.

When I speak of a melt down for Landon, I don't mean a two year old tantrum where there's some crying and maybe some flailing. I'm talking ear piercing screams, punches being thrown and head butts to my nose. His meltdowns make other kids tantrums seem adorable. I usually tell people that it feels like I'm trying to keep a bomb from exploding at all times. Sometimes the clock is running down and I can see that I have 10 seconds before the explosion. I'm trying to figure out which wire to cut before it's too late. Sometimes, I'm lucky and snip the right one in time but more times than not...kaboom. You know in a movie when the hero walks away from an explosion like a boss? That's what I do at home, I mean without the hair blowing in the wind and cocky grin. I simply walk away and let him do his thing. He just needs time to get over it and there is nothing I can say or do that will speed up the process. In public though, I pick him up and leave. I strap him into his seat while he screams in my face and I drive home while he two foot kicks the back of my seat. It can make us completely forget that for the first hour, we had a great time. So that's why we usually don't go.

Years ago, before autism affected our lives, we were at a park and a family sat and ate their picnic lunch while their child was freaking out on the ground. I remember thinking that they needed to teach that kid a lesson. I had no idea what I was talking about. When I think of that family now, I have so much respect for them as they most likely were dealing with autism and they didn't just pack up their picnic and run away. We are not there yet. We are still sensitive to the many glares and stares that we get in public. I know I look like a crazy woman and a terrible mom when I am dragging Landon by his jacket into school sometimes. I've had people stop in their tracks and stare with their mouths open. There have been a couple of strangers though that have gone out of their way to tell me that I'm doing a good job. Those little words can really help. If you see a mother or father struggling with a strong willed child, be encouraging or simply smile. It goes a long way.

So there's another little glimpse into our life. Next time I'm going to brag about him. Tell you all about his musical talent and his sense of humor. He really is so incredible and I want everyone to know that side of him too.

PS. I get to take Landon for some shots tomorrow. I'm really excited about it....not. Pray for us.